Snape Vignettes VOLUME THREE!
by Sarah Noble
Summary: Yet more fun from the Man with the Plan.
1. Default Chapter

Welcome to YET ANOTHER tiresomely silly edition of Snape Vignettes! I'm writing these instead of making billions of Quidditch robes to sell at my booth at Nimbus 2003. YEAH DUPES...my costume shop is an official VENDOR at the Harry Potter con! Fat lot of luck that's doing me now, as I am still squat on my butt writing these instead. It's four-thirty in the morning and I have to get up in two hours to go buy more fabric supplies, BUT INSTEAD I WILL ENTERTAIN YOUR EYEBALLS!!  
  
This latest happy-go-lucky collection of everybody's favorite closet ice- cream man contains SPOILERS, so don't go reading them unless you've read the fifth Harry Potter book, which I read all the way through for ten straight hours after buying it at midnight the day it came out, because I can do that. I'm self-employed. In your face.  
  
These stories, as always, have a maximum of three bad words in total, so if you don't like swear words, go away.  
  
If I get any sincere requests for Hogwarts Diaries concerning books four and five, I will most certainly write them, but it may take awhile, what with my commission work, the general weather and the fact that Mars is just WAY too close to the Earth for my comfort.  
  
Oh yes, and commission school and Quidditch robes from me, or suffer. (webpriestess@hotmail.com (Online costume shop: Chemical Wonderland) 


	2. He's Just Gotta Know!

SEVERUS SNAPE CLAIMS HE BOUGHT THE FIFTH HARRY POTTER BOOK FOR ITS LITERARY VALUE, BUT HE REALLY JUST WANTED TO SEE WHO DIED  
  
"God, I hope it's not me," Snape muttered, flipping way to the back of the book without even reading the chapter list. "That would really, really suck."  
  
"Hey, you can't do that!" Professor MacGonagall yelled as she walked by the entrance to the potions classroom. "You're supposed to read the whole book through first! You're ruining it!"  
  
She ran in and immediately confiscated the book from an outraged Severus. "No fair!" he yelled, kicking her in the shins. "I bought that book cuz I want to know who dies! I want to know how big a role I get this time around! I want to know if, by some strange happenstance, I'm suddenly vindicated in everyone's eyes by having the audience presented with an unbiased flashback that elevates me from former Draco-esque jerk to misunderstood loner with a trouble childhood!"  
  
There was a tense silence.  
  
"I mean I bought it for its literary value," Snape added uneasily.  
  
MacGonagall paused. "Retroactively," she answered sharply, "that would be a yes, a sort-of-better-than-the-last-book-but-still-not-as-good-but-hey- let's-just-be-glad-Fleur-isn't-teaching-Dark-Arts-after-all, and Sirius Black."  
  
"Son of a BITCH," Dumbledore yelled in passing from the hallway. "I haven't read that part yet!" 


	3. Totally Freaky

SEVERUS SNAPE SEES A SPIDER AND TOTALLY, TOTALLY FREAKS  
  
"Why is it that none of my students can write a term paper that's clear, concise and to the point?" Snape muttered under his breath as he flunked six people at once with a flick of his quill. Suddenly, something darted from under a nearby cabinet and vanished behind a chair-leg.  
  
Snape paused.  
  
"That was SO not a spider," he said out loud.  
  
He stood up and cautiously moved around to the other side of the chair, walking close to the wall so as to leave a maximum of three feet between himself and whatever was behind the chair-leg. A small spider scrambled out from behind the chair and started scaling the table.  
  
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMIGOD!" Snape screamed, and ran out of the room. 


	4. Return of the Goth Girls

SEVERUS SNAPE JUST DOESN'T GET TODAY'S POPULAR MUSIC  
  
"I really don't," Snape replied, in response to the title of this vignette. "It doesn't even sound like music. Just a lot of angry shouting."  
  
"So it sounds like you," replied many, many sixteen-year old goth girls in unison.  
  
"NO," Snape answered testily, "I don't shout when I'm angry. I just get very, very quietly furious, like your dad did when you came home and had to tell him that you crashed the car into the mailbox because you were too distracted with tuning the radio to a station that didn't suck."  
  
"Oh," many, many sixteen-year old goth girls blushed with embarrassment. "We thought you'd forgotten about that."  
  
"I haven't," Snape answered curtly. "NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY SITTING ROOM!!" he added at the top of his lungs. 


	5. Don't Wake the 'Rents!

SEVERUS SNAPE REALLY WANTS A SANDWICH  
  
It was two o'clock in the morning, and Snape just had to have a sandwich.  
  
"Not to be redundant, but MY GOD, I just gotta have a sandwich," Snape muttered as he pulled on a bathrobe over his pajamas.  
  
"Hope I don't wake the 'rents," he added, cautiously opening his bedroom door.  
  
"Wait.I don't live at home," he added again.  
  
Forty minutes and a sandwich later, Snape was walking back through one of the outer hallways when something outside caught his attention through an open window.  
  
"Woah.that is REALLY weird," he said in surprise, staring fixedly out onto the lawn. "That is just truly truly amazing. I totally can't believe that."  
  
"Don't you wish this was a movie and not a vignette?" he remarked as he made his way back down into the dungeons. "You could have seen what I was looking at."  
  
(Note to readers: If you can guess what Snape was looking at, I'll write a Snape Vignette and let you star in it ;D Email your ideas to webpriestess@hotmail.com!-- La Author) 


	6. Boxers or Briefs?

SNAPE GETS TO THE PART IN THE FIFTH BOOK CONCERNING HIS WORST MEMORY AND REALIZES THAT VINDICATION IS NOT WORTH HAVING YOUR UNDERWEAR PARADED AROUND ON THE LAWN  
  
"Oh my god," Snape gasped. He was more than halfway into the fifth Harry Potter book when he received a very nasty surprise.  
  
"HOW COULD THEY PUT THIS IN PRINT?" he yelled furiously, hurling the book across the room. "What were they THINKING?"  
  
He sat in silence for ten minutes, inwardly fuming at the very idea. "I suppose the only way to redeem my character in this book was to martyr me to the audience by telling them this horrible memory, is that it?" he finally shouted, to no one in particular (except the spider, who was hiding). "Well, I'm NOT amused! I might just write an angry letter of sorts to.to someone who will read it and NOT FIND IT VERY AMUSING IN THE LEAST!"  
  
"Why don't they just tie my briefs to a rope and run them up the flagpole?" he yelled again.  
  
"Done and done," Fred and George said as they walked passed Snape's office.  
  
Snape gave another yell of rage, ran to the window and looked out into the courtyard. While he was distracted, Fred ducked into the office and hooked an empty set of glass vials, a Time Magazine, some neat-looking gloves and the spider.  
  
THE END  
  
(By the way, Snape's boxers up the flagpole is NOT what he was looking at in the previous story. You're going to have to do better than that.--Das Author) 


	7. Not a Lot of Fun

SEVERUS SNAPE AND. . .GOD, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO CALL THIS ONE  
  
The whole class immediately hushed as the Potions Master swept into the dungeon, slamming the door behind him. Snape paused at his desk for a moment, looking over the class of nervous first-years with a distinct glare of contempt.  
  
This was the first day of potions for the double class, comprised of first- year Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws. Most had heard horror stories about the tempermental potions professor from siblings, but had never met him in person.  
  
Snape stood silent for a moment longer, then reached down, pulled open a drawer in his desk, and took out a yellow party hat. Adjusting the elastic band to a slightly larger size, he carefully propped it on his head, securing the band under his chin. He then surveyed the class once more.  
  
This, children," he said softly but menacingly, "is about as fun as I'm going to get this year. Now take out your quills and prepare for the ass- kicking of a lifetime." 


	8. They'll Be Back!

SEVERUS SNAPE REALLY HATES THOSE GOTH GIRLS  
  
Several thousand freaky goth girls were milling about as usual on Snape's lawn, when there was a sudden disturbance.  
  
"EAT BALLOON, YOU NOIRE-WEARING DRAMA QUEENS!" Snape screamed out the window, hurling water ballons down onto the crowd. Mascara and white-face makeup bleeding everywhere, the girls fled into the surrounding forests.  
  
"We'll be back, you sexy mysterious loner,"several thousand freaky goth girls sobbed as they dabbed at their makeup under cover of the bushes. "Just as soon as we win those auctions on ebay for really cheap waterproof eye kohl. . .we WILL be back." 


	9. Chopper Dave, we have 'Uh Oh', over

SEVERUS SNAPE IS ABOUT TO BE FIRED AGAIN, BIG TIME  
  
Professor MacGonagall rushed into the Great Hall one early Monday morning, every feature on her face livid with anger.  
  
"All right, who did it?" she snapped so that the whole room could hear. "Who built a treehouse in the whomping willow and nailed a "No Girls Allowed" sign to its trunk?"  
  
Snape cleared his throat and stood up, pushing his chair back hastily so that it clattered noisily to the floor.  
  
"I-have to go check something. In my sock drawer," he muttered quickly. "See you all in class."  
  
"WhoEVER it is," MacGonagall continued loudly, "left a mini-fridge, a box of cereal and a poster of Justin Timberlake inside, and they're NOT getting them back until they confess!"  
  
The silence in the hall was broken only by the slam of a side-door and the sound of running footsteps fading away towards the dungeon. 


	10. Mint In the Box

SEVERUS SNAPE RESORTS TO BARTERING WITH DUMBLEDORE FOR THE DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS JOB  
  
"I've got the last fifty issues of Excalibur, mint in the bag, PLUS a really rare Boba Fett action figure," Snape said wearily. He had been sitting in the Headmaster's office for nearly four hours, boxes of comics, collectibles and posters spread out all around them.  
  
"Is it NRFB?" Dumbledore asked. A never-removed-from-box Boba Fett was worth quite a lot in the wizarding comic trade market, for some inexplicable reason. Snape fidgeted.  
  
"It has the box WITH it," he said slowly. Dumbledore leaned back on his hands and stared up at the ceiling.  
  
"Man, too bad," he said. "The DA job is REALLY cool, I've been hanging onto it for years now. I wouldn't give it to just ANYone. . ."  
  
"OK, OK," Snape said quickly. "I'll also give you the Millienium Falcon with it." He held up a mint-in-the-box fifteen inch spaceship.  
  
"Throw in that bag of marbles and you've got a deal, mister," Dumbledore answered. Snape looked aghast.  
  
"Not my CAT'S-EYES!" he yelled. He stood up stiffly and began hurriedly putting things back into their boxes. "Screw you, Dumbledore, keep the job. I don't even want it anyhow, it's lame."  
  
"Yeah, suuuuure it is," Dumbledore snickered. Snape marched out of the office, boxes under both arms.  
  
"The guy is SUCH a tool," he muttered. 


	11. Mmm, Fan Service

SEVERUS SNAPE JUST DOESN'T RESPECT SARAH NOBLE (AND ALSO PUTS ON ANOTHER HAT)  
  
"I don't, because you're an idiot," Snape said, eerily reading the title of this vignette for the second time in as many days. "You have no earthly idea what I do with my time, and your second-rate guesses are a dark blot on my honor."  
  
"You HAVE no honor," Sarah responded while doing upside-down leg curls over a bar in her closet doorframe. "You beat up on small children for fun and profit. You need to hit the pub and pick up some fly bitches once in a while."  
  
"I don't need your help in picking up any fly bitches, you insolent little twit!" Snape yelled angrily, throwing a very tacky, but very throwable, pillow at Sarah's head and missing. "I get all the fly bitches I can handle WITHOUT your interference!"  
  
Sarah snorted (upside down no less, which is kinda tricky). "Yeah, I'll bet you do," she said, rolling her eyes all the way to the floor. "Get off my bed, I don't want you sitting there. You're icky."  
  
"What bed?" Snape said testily, standing up anyway and picking a blonde hair off his shoulder. "This isn't a bed! This is a mattress you put on the floor, in an otherwise very nicely decorated room! Where the hell is your bedframe?"  
  
"I set fire to it," Sarah answered sweetly. "I don't like bedframes. Now stop making this a horrible self-insertion story and give us some fan service."  
  
Snape sighed a sigh of all kinds of suffering and wearying patience and all that. He crossed the room to Sarah's bureau and put some reddish-gold lipstick on from a tube resting in her makeup box. Then he put on a funny hat.  
  
"That's what I'M talking bout, yeah," Sarah snickered. 


End file.
